Starting Again

It's been nearly one full year since my last post.. all of those reading know why the posts stopped.  I've wanted to write but I really lost the ability to commit my thoughts and feelings to the written word.  Writing has always been my outlet and after losing Mom, I lost it.  The same thing happened after losing Dad but I'm determined to try again.  Even if the posts aren't as profound, funny, deep etc... I need to write. I need to try and hopefully, the outlet I've loved nearly my entire life, will return.

During the first six months of 2011, I lost 25 pounds. I was really proud of myself. While I never hit my goal weight, I did keep those 25 pounds off for several months (including a trip of a lifetime with my sister).  Then the vacation ended, the amount of activity I got decreased, another rear-ending in my car stymied my trips to the rec center, Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas.... and I stopped caring about me and junk food found it's way back into my house, my life, my stomach. 

The anxiety of facing the holidays without my parents took it's toll, and to comfort myself, I snacked. BIG TIME.  I wish I understood why I do horrible things to myself when I'm facing stress or sadness.  I would never start drinking to excess, never do drugs, play russian roullette, run through traffic - all danagerous and life-threatening activities. So why do I eat the wrong things and eat too much of them on top of it all.  I don't know... I know I asked this question last year and felt I was starting to figure it out but then life dealt me the hardest blow and I returned to my old ways... I'm disappointed in myself but I'm hoping to turn that disappointment into determination. 

Today is January 1, 2012. I sat here one year ago with the same goal in mind - lose weight, get stronger, be healthy.  I did it then, I can do it now.  I am determined to live by the title of this blog - Pushing Play... I paused my life for nearly 6 years following the death of my dad...I hit pause for another after the loss of my mom. I refuse to let it continue. I know that my parents wouldn't want that, my sister doesn't want that, my friends don't want that - I don't want that!  I want to live, I want to enjoy - I want to be happy.

I weighted myself today - I weight 192.  Much TOO much but not as heavy as one-year ago.  (I'll take that 3 pound loss anyday).

So this year, I want to accomplish the following:
1. Lose 50 pounds
2. Learn to truly love myself so I won't sabatoge myself when life gets tough
3. Not hate how I look in photos
4. Feel comfortable in my body and in my clothes
5. Stop comparing myself to others and envying their smaller bodies

I can do it... I WILL do this.