On April 23, 2004 my world changed. This is the day that my dear dad, Wayne Hartmann, passed away after a 10 year battle with prostate cancer. The first year, following his passing, was one of the hardest of my life – trying to figure out how to live again with this giant void. And for a few years, I thought that I was doing okay but I still felt that something was holding me back from fully living my life.
About two years ago I was finally able to articulate what I was feeling; I feel/felt that on April 23, 2004 I hit the “pause” button on my life. Sure I’ve lived since losing dad but I feel as though I haven’t moved forward – rather I’m just going through the motions.
I’m certainly not trying to use my dad’s death as an excuse for my lack of forward momentum in life. And I’m certainly functioning quite well – sure there are days that I wish like all hell that things were different but I’m tired of saying, well if dad hadn’t died, I bet I would be married with kids by now. Dad did die and I can’t change that – yet I’ve allowed myself to just stand still and let life happen to me. So I guess maybe in a way I have used it as an excuse but not in the sense that I’ve deliberately done it. Rather, I guess I just got stuck on pause.
Part of this understanding allowed me to start the moving forward process last year. Last year I grabbed the bull by the horns and made finding a healthy relationship a priority. I re-joined match.com (I signed up years ago but obviously wasn’t ready for someone healthy in my life) in early 2010 and in April I met my boyfriend Chad. He is truly a remarkable person and I can honestly say I’ve never been happier in a relationship.
Chad is definitely the yin to my yang but for some reason (and perhaps only God knows), it works. With others, some of his characteristics would drive me crazy – I’m a planner and until Christmas, this guy didn’t even own a calendar (thanks Mom!). He’s very type B to my sometimes over the top type A. But we work – and I hope I’m not jinxing myself by writing about him.
In my adult life I’ve had my own version of the Bermuda Triangle. I have focused on three main things – work/career, financial, and romantic relationships. In all of my life – until now – these three things would not work in harmony together. It seemed like it was always two out of the three would be working but never all three. Now, at the age of 36 ½ I can happily say they are working in concert together.
But I realize that my triangle should really have always been a square – I have been missing a major component: love of self. Yes, I love myself and this isn’t a blog about my lack of love but I realize that I do really neglect myself. Perhaps that is a typical characteristic of women but as 2010 comes to a close, this neglect of myself has allowed me to put on an additional 50 pounds.
2011 is all about me and the journey to take care of me (in addition to everything else I love). Thus the birth of this blog. Writing has always been a major component of my life but as I look back over the last 6 ½ years since losing dad, I realize that I’ve stopped writing. I wrote a lot during the first two years after but in the subsequent years, I haven’t done as much as I probably should.
Writing will help me purge some feelings and thoughts from my head – and as an over-thinker, the ability to get rid of extra thoughts is a blessing. Publishing this to a blog will keep me accountable.
So I’m pushing play on my life and I’m going to move forward and not just let life happen to me (or my body) anymore.
Starting January 1st and every month thereafter, I will be posting a picture of my progress. I’m going to be rejoining weight watchers as I’ve had success in the past with the program (when I followed it). I’m going to keep a food journal and use this blog as a way to work through the tough times as well as celebrate the milestones.
I’m scared and excited all at the same time but I’m determined to PUSH PLAY.
