Starting Again

It's been nearly one full year since my last post.. all of those reading know why the posts stopped.  I've wanted to write but I really lost the ability to commit my thoughts and feelings to the written word.  Writing has always been my outlet and after losing Mom, I lost it.  The same thing happened after losing Dad but I'm determined to try again.  Even if the posts aren't as profound, funny, deep etc... I need to write. I need to try and hopefully, the outlet I've loved nearly my entire life, will return.

During the first six months of 2011, I lost 25 pounds. I was really proud of myself. While I never hit my goal weight, I did keep those 25 pounds off for several months (including a trip of a lifetime with my sister).  Then the vacation ended, the amount of activity I got decreased, another rear-ending in my car stymied my trips to the rec center, Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas.... and I stopped caring about me and junk food found it's way back into my house, my life, my stomach. 

The anxiety of facing the holidays without my parents took it's toll, and to comfort myself, I snacked. BIG TIME.  I wish I understood why I do horrible things to myself when I'm facing stress or sadness.  I would never start drinking to excess, never do drugs, play russian roullette, run through traffic - all danagerous and life-threatening activities. So why do I eat the wrong things and eat too much of them on top of it all.  I don't know... I know I asked this question last year and felt I was starting to figure it out but then life dealt me the hardest blow and I returned to my old ways... I'm disappointed in myself but I'm hoping to turn that disappointment into determination. 

Today is January 1, 2012. I sat here one year ago with the same goal in mind - lose weight, get stronger, be healthy.  I did it then, I can do it now.  I am determined to live by the title of this blog - Pushing Play... I paused my life for nearly 6 years following the death of my dad...I hit pause for another after the loss of my mom. I refuse to let it continue. I know that my parents wouldn't want that, my sister doesn't want that, my friends don't want that - I don't want that!  I want to live, I want to enjoy - I want to be happy.

I weighted myself today - I weight 192.  Much TOO much but not as heavy as one-year ago.  (I'll take that 3 pound loss anyday).

So this year, I want to accomplish the following:
1. Lose 50 pounds
2. Learn to truly love myself so I won't sabatoge myself when life gets tough
3. Not hate how I look in photos
4. Feel comfortable in my body and in my clothes
5. Stop comparing myself to others and envying their smaller bodies

I can do it... I WILL do this.

Three Pounds Down

Saturday's weigh in went very well; another 3 pounds gone!! I now weigh 187 pounds - goodbye 190's.  That makes a total of 7.6 pounds since January 1st and for that, I'm super excited.  That's basically 1/2 pound a day (I weighed in on the 15th).  I don't expect this rate of weight loss to continue and that's okay - I'm just really glad that now, in the beginning, when I still don't have all of the tools fully ready to win this battle, the weight is coming off.  I don't "feel" it yet - I haven't found a pair of pants fitting differently yet but that's okay.  I'm proud of me.

Temptations 0: Michelle: 1

So all the worrying was for naught.  On Saturday January 8^th, I stood on the scale for my first official weekly weigh in.  As the scale calculated my weight I said a silent prayer – at least two pounds, please let me have lost at least two pounds.  When my weight finally registered and I looked down I was happy to see the results. Well, that’s not true, I was ecstatic. During my first week of WW, I lost 4.6 pounds. 

I was so thrilled that I let out a yell that scared both cats (who were present at the weigh in) and started jumping around in my bathroom.  And anyone that has been to my house and seen my tiny bathroom knows that celebrating in there is no easy feat. 

I was shocked!  And even still a day later can’t believe how well I did.  So yes, the 4.6 pound loss is AWESOME but what has been even better – I feel really good.  I’ve been enjoying my meals and not feeling sick afterwards. I have fuel for my body which is fueling my spirit.

To celebrate, I spent the day with my love and his children.  They are terrific kids even if it is difficult to chat with a 13 and 10 year old (but they are like that with everyone so I don’t stress about it).  We all went to a movie and I was so tempted to enjoy the popcorn but instead, I enjoyed the leftover apple from my lunch at Panera Bread.  Yes, I was teased by the kids – 10 year old Sarah kept trying to share the aroma of her popcorn with me… saying “it’s so good, don’t you want some”.  Yes I do kid so stop doing that!!  But I held strong and instead at about 45 minutes into the film, enjoyed my apple.  And I’m pretty sure they were thrilled that I was eating my apple in the dark so not to be that embarrassing to them. 

Later that evening we all went out to dinner at a local diner.  With some help from Chad, I figured out my best menu option. The waitress was great and worked with me to make the appropriate adjustments so it could be a meal I could eat. And it was yummy! Eating out is probably the hardest thing but it’s important to me that I still do go out and enjoy things like that… it takes more effort but it’s doable.

Today is Sunday and I enjoyed a really amazing service at church. We remembered our baptisms today and the message really touched me.  Afterwards, as is our custom, mom and I went to breakfast.  Well lunch actually.   Using my WW iPhone app I learned that my regular – ½ of a BLT and salad was a doable lunch.  Of course, I made a few substitutions (no cheese or croutons on the salad), no mayo on the sandwich and I 86’d the chips.  But the best part was – even with these changes my lunch tasted great and it felt like any other Sunday. 

So here I am, on week two and feeling good about myself for the first time in a very long time.  I’m going to savor this week’s victory and not get discouraged that I didn’t weigh in 50 pounds lighter already.  This is definitely a marathon, not a sprint and I’m going to enjoy the journey. 

Weigh-in Eve

T’was the night before the first weigh in and no one was snacking

Trying to stay motivated but this weight-watcher was cracking.

Holiday candy was calling her name

Say “eat me, eat me and your weight will stay the same”.

But this girl was too clever to give into the chocolate trap

So instead an orange became her healthy late-night snack.

Tonight marks the end of week one and tomorrow morning I will have my weekly weigh in.  I’ve had a really good week (food-wise) and am hoping that I see a drop when I step on the scale.  I’m nervous though because I was sick and not able to get any activity in until today – amazing how much you can work lugging Christmas decorations to the basement J 

But I’m also worried that because I wasn’t eating all of my points everyday my body may have reacted negatively.  Weight Watchers stresses the importance of eating – not starving yourself – or eating less than your points because your body may think you are starving yourself and hold on to every ounce it can.

I haven’t really felt hungry this week – sure, as I get closer to dinner time I’m hungry but that’s normal. I think for the first time in a long time, I am really starting to understand and feel actual hunger.  I eat (or can I say, I used to eat) whenever I wanted, whether I was actually hungry or not. This week I’ve eaten real meals that included protein at EVERY meal.  I’ve had healthy snacks and even on my worst days of bronchitis this week, I had my all my fruits and veggies that I’m supposed to eat every day.

It hasn’t been easy but in the same breath wasn’t hard.  There were two nights this week when I was really craving chocolate.  And yes, I would LOVE to go dig into the chocolate candies that were in my holiday stocking at this moment but instead, those are going to the office on Monday. They won’t be filling my candy dish, however. Instead, I will drop them in other candy dishes.

I’ve been really proud of how much I’ve cooked this week.  I really like to cook and out of pure laziness and lack of love for self I would instead choose something quick and easy which usually means NOT healthy. 

In talking with my sweetie today I shared a very important realization.  Not once this week did I feel sick after a meal.  That is (or was) a very strong feeling after nearly every meal.  It was probably due to a few factors but mainly I was eating the wrong things and too much of them at any one time. 

At the beginning of this week, I really felt that my portions would be too small. Looking at the food on my plate, my first thought was: “this isn’t going to fill me up” – but instead of piling more on my plate to start with, I sat down and enjoyed the food.  And then, when finished, I cleaned up.  By the time I had the kitchen cleaned up (including washing all the dishes – no dishwasher in this house), I realized, I wasn’t hungry. 

A new feeling is waking up hungry.  I’ve never been much of a breakfast eater. Yes, I love breakfast foods but I don’t like to eat shortly after waking. Usually I’m up for a couple hours before having anything more than a cup of coffee.  Any weight loss program will stress the important of eating early in your day. It gets your metabolism going and also gives you fuel to face your day.

Every morning this week, I ate breakfast.  I’ve been boiling eggs (usually more than one day’s serving at a time) and enjoying two in the morning (two whites, one yolk).  The first couple mornings it was tough to choke it down since I usually feel awful in the morning.  But by Thursday and again today, I enjoyed my breakfast.

Every meal this week has included a protein. I never realized how much I wasn’t eating protein.  In talking with my sister, she shared that was one of her challenges and I really hadn’t thought about it. But this week, I’ve made sure to include a protein at every meal.  And I’ve found that the proper portion size of protein is enough.  And by including protein with every meal, I’m full longer. I don’t find that I’m hungry within an hour of eating a lot of calories.

I’ve been enjoying a mid-morning and mid-afternoon snack of fruit or yogurt every day this week.  I’m very much on an orange kick right now.  I’ve been sick and am hoping that the Vitamin C boosts my immune system.

On Monday I purchased vitamins. I am terrible about taking my vitamins but I have taken it every day since Monday. I think it helps that there is place to check off that I took my vitamin on my WW online site. I’m a list maker and will add things to my list just so I can check them off so this tool definitely helps with that personality trait.  And when you fulfill an area (liquids, fruits/veggies/vitamin) you get a smiley face! I like that J

So even if tomorrow morning at the weigh in the number doesn’t change, I will still be proud of my week.  But I really really hope that I lost weight.  Turn into tomorrow for the results.