Starting Again

It's been nearly one full year since my last post.. all of those reading know why the posts stopped.  I've wanted to write but I really lost the ability to commit my thoughts and feelings to the written word.  Writing has always been my outlet and after losing Mom, I lost it.  The same thing happened after losing Dad but I'm determined to try again.  Even if the posts aren't as profound, funny, deep etc... I need to write. I need to try and hopefully, the outlet I've loved nearly my entire life, will return.

During the first six months of 2011, I lost 25 pounds. I was really proud of myself. While I never hit my goal weight, I did keep those 25 pounds off for several months (including a trip of a lifetime with my sister).  Then the vacation ended, the amount of activity I got decreased, another rear-ending in my car stymied my trips to the rec center, Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas.... and I stopped caring about me and junk food found it's way back into my house, my life, my stomach. 

The anxiety of facing the holidays without my parents took it's toll, and to comfort myself, I snacked. BIG TIME.  I wish I understood why I do horrible things to myself when I'm facing stress or sadness.  I would never start drinking to excess, never do drugs, play russian roullette, run through traffic - all danagerous and life-threatening activities. So why do I eat the wrong things and eat too much of them on top of it all.  I don't know... I know I asked this question last year and felt I was starting to figure it out but then life dealt me the hardest blow and I returned to my old ways... I'm disappointed in myself but I'm hoping to turn that disappointment into determination. 

Today is January 1, 2012. I sat here one year ago with the same goal in mind - lose weight, get stronger, be healthy.  I did it then, I can do it now.  I am determined to live by the title of this blog - Pushing Play... I paused my life for nearly 6 years following the death of my dad...I hit pause for another after the loss of my mom. I refuse to let it continue. I know that my parents wouldn't want that, my sister doesn't want that, my friends don't want that - I don't want that!  I want to live, I want to enjoy - I want to be happy.

I weighted myself today - I weight 192.  Much TOO much but not as heavy as one-year ago.  (I'll take that 3 pound loss anyday).

So this year, I want to accomplish the following:
1. Lose 50 pounds
2. Learn to truly love myself so I won't sabatoge myself when life gets tough
3. Not hate how I look in photos
4. Feel comfortable in my body and in my clothes
5. Stop comparing myself to others and envying their smaller bodies

I can do it... I WILL do this.

Three Pounds Down

Saturday's weigh in went very well; another 3 pounds gone!! I now weigh 187 pounds - goodbye 190's.  That makes a total of 7.6 pounds since January 1st and for that, I'm super excited.  That's basically 1/2 pound a day (I weighed in on the 15th).  I don't expect this rate of weight loss to continue and that's okay - I'm just really glad that now, in the beginning, when I still don't have all of the tools fully ready to win this battle, the weight is coming off.  I don't "feel" it yet - I haven't found a pair of pants fitting differently yet but that's okay.  I'm proud of me.

Temptations 0: Michelle: 1

So all the worrying was for naught.  On Saturday January 8^th, I stood on the scale for my first official weekly weigh in.  As the scale calculated my weight I said a silent prayer – at least two pounds, please let me have lost at least two pounds.  When my weight finally registered and I looked down I was happy to see the results. Well, that’s not true, I was ecstatic. During my first week of WW, I lost 4.6 pounds. 

I was so thrilled that I let out a yell that scared both cats (who were present at the weigh in) and started jumping around in my bathroom.  And anyone that has been to my house and seen my tiny bathroom knows that celebrating in there is no easy feat. 

I was shocked!  And even still a day later can’t believe how well I did.  So yes, the 4.6 pound loss is AWESOME but what has been even better – I feel really good.  I’ve been enjoying my meals and not feeling sick afterwards. I have fuel for my body which is fueling my spirit.

To celebrate, I spent the day with my love and his children.  They are terrific kids even if it is difficult to chat with a 13 and 10 year old (but they are like that with everyone so I don’t stress about it).  We all went to a movie and I was so tempted to enjoy the popcorn but instead, I enjoyed the leftover apple from my lunch at Panera Bread.  Yes, I was teased by the kids – 10 year old Sarah kept trying to share the aroma of her popcorn with me… saying “it’s so good, don’t you want some”.  Yes I do kid so stop doing that!!  But I held strong and instead at about 45 minutes into the film, enjoyed my apple.  And I’m pretty sure they were thrilled that I was eating my apple in the dark so not to be that embarrassing to them. 

Later that evening we all went out to dinner at a local diner.  With some help from Chad, I figured out my best menu option. The waitress was great and worked with me to make the appropriate adjustments so it could be a meal I could eat. And it was yummy! Eating out is probably the hardest thing but it’s important to me that I still do go out and enjoy things like that… it takes more effort but it’s doable.

Today is Sunday and I enjoyed a really amazing service at church. We remembered our baptisms today and the message really touched me.  Afterwards, as is our custom, mom and I went to breakfast.  Well lunch actually.   Using my WW iPhone app I learned that my regular – ½ of a BLT and salad was a doable lunch.  Of course, I made a few substitutions (no cheese or croutons on the salad), no mayo on the sandwich and I 86’d the chips.  But the best part was – even with these changes my lunch tasted great and it felt like any other Sunday. 

So here I am, on week two and feeling good about myself for the first time in a very long time.  I’m going to savor this week’s victory and not get discouraged that I didn’t weigh in 50 pounds lighter already.  This is definitely a marathon, not a sprint and I’m going to enjoy the journey. 

Weigh-in Eve

T’was the night before the first weigh in and no one was snacking

Trying to stay motivated but this weight-watcher was cracking.

Holiday candy was calling her name

Say “eat me, eat me and your weight will stay the same”.

But this girl was too clever to give into the chocolate trap

So instead an orange became her healthy late-night snack.

Tonight marks the end of week one and tomorrow morning I will have my weekly weigh in.  I’ve had a really good week (food-wise) and am hoping that I see a drop when I step on the scale.  I’m nervous though because I was sick and not able to get any activity in until today – amazing how much you can work lugging Christmas decorations to the basement J 

But I’m also worried that because I wasn’t eating all of my points everyday my body may have reacted negatively.  Weight Watchers stresses the importance of eating – not starving yourself – or eating less than your points because your body may think you are starving yourself and hold on to every ounce it can.

I haven’t really felt hungry this week – sure, as I get closer to dinner time I’m hungry but that’s normal. I think for the first time in a long time, I am really starting to understand and feel actual hunger.  I eat (or can I say, I used to eat) whenever I wanted, whether I was actually hungry or not. This week I’ve eaten real meals that included protein at EVERY meal.  I’ve had healthy snacks and even on my worst days of bronchitis this week, I had my all my fruits and veggies that I’m supposed to eat every day.

It hasn’t been easy but in the same breath wasn’t hard.  There were two nights this week when I was really craving chocolate.  And yes, I would LOVE to go dig into the chocolate candies that were in my holiday stocking at this moment but instead, those are going to the office on Monday. They won’t be filling my candy dish, however. Instead, I will drop them in other candy dishes.

I’ve been really proud of how much I’ve cooked this week.  I really like to cook and out of pure laziness and lack of love for self I would instead choose something quick and easy which usually means NOT healthy. 

In talking with my sweetie today I shared a very important realization.  Not once this week did I feel sick after a meal.  That is (or was) a very strong feeling after nearly every meal.  It was probably due to a few factors but mainly I was eating the wrong things and too much of them at any one time. 

At the beginning of this week, I really felt that my portions would be too small. Looking at the food on my plate, my first thought was: “this isn’t going to fill me up” – but instead of piling more on my plate to start with, I sat down and enjoyed the food.  And then, when finished, I cleaned up.  By the time I had the kitchen cleaned up (including washing all the dishes – no dishwasher in this house), I realized, I wasn’t hungry. 

A new feeling is waking up hungry.  I’ve never been much of a breakfast eater. Yes, I love breakfast foods but I don’t like to eat shortly after waking. Usually I’m up for a couple hours before having anything more than a cup of coffee.  Any weight loss program will stress the important of eating early in your day. It gets your metabolism going and also gives you fuel to face your day.

Every morning this week, I ate breakfast.  I’ve been boiling eggs (usually more than one day’s serving at a time) and enjoying two in the morning (two whites, one yolk).  The first couple mornings it was tough to choke it down since I usually feel awful in the morning.  But by Thursday and again today, I enjoyed my breakfast.

Every meal this week has included a protein. I never realized how much I wasn’t eating protein.  In talking with my sister, she shared that was one of her challenges and I really hadn’t thought about it. But this week, I’ve made sure to include a protein at every meal.  And I’ve found that the proper portion size of protein is enough.  And by including protein with every meal, I’m full longer. I don’t find that I’m hungry within an hour of eating a lot of calories.

I’ve been enjoying a mid-morning and mid-afternoon snack of fruit or yogurt every day this week.  I’m very much on an orange kick right now.  I’ve been sick and am hoping that the Vitamin C boosts my immune system.

On Monday I purchased vitamins. I am terrible about taking my vitamins but I have taken it every day since Monday. I think it helps that there is place to check off that I took my vitamin on my WW online site. I’m a list maker and will add things to my list just so I can check them off so this tool definitely helps with that personality trait.  And when you fulfill an area (liquids, fruits/veggies/vitamin) you get a smiley face! I like that J

So even if tomorrow morning at the weigh in the number doesn’t change, I will still be proud of my week.  But I really really hope that I lost weight.  Turn into tomorrow for the results.

Use it up

The last two days have been filled with a wide-range of thoughts and feelings.  I’ve felt encouraged, overwhelmed, optimistic and hungry.  The first three are definitely acceptable feelings but the hunger is not. One of the key things about following Weight Watchers is that you shouldn’t be hungry. 

Using the new Points Plus® program, I am allotted 31 daily points and 49 weekly bonus points. I can earn additional points by exercising.  Yesterday I only used 24 points and until about an hour ago, I had only used 11 of my points.  Given that I had had two meals I should have been closer to using one-half to two-thirds of my points (15 – 20) by dinner time.  Instead, I had only used one-third and was really hungry.  One of the goals for this week will be to USE MY POINTS!! Or I should say, EAT my points. 

Those that know me really well know that it’s very difficult for me to spend any money on myself.  Now, if someone I love needs/wants something, I have NO problem paying the check.  But for myself, I struggle tremendously when making any significant purchases and I’m not talking a trip to Target for paper towels and pet food. It isn’t about NOT having the money to cover the cost because I do. It just all comes back to denying myself almost too much.  I’ve lived in my house for nearly 6 years and still don’t have window treatments on every window yet (and I don’t live in a mansion)… just the thought of spending money for something solely for me it difficult. 

And as I think about my struggles over the last two days, I realize that I am not using all of my points due to some of these same reasons.  And if I don’t change that, I am going to sabotage myself.  This is the thing I’m going to work on this week!!!

So anyway, back to using my points… I looked up the points value for the dinner options I have here at the house and decided on making a little pasta and veggies.  I’m proud to say that I actually measured out the proper servings of pasta, sauce and veggies and enjoyed an 8 point dinner.  I did learn that although a serving of pasta sauce is only ½ cup, I need to cook more than ½ otherwise; I won’t have enough for a ½ serving after cooking. 

I would also like to start getting some activity into my day – I’ve felt absolutely terrible the last two days which I think is my December cold resurfacing.  The fact that most movement results in coughing/sneezing/runny nose combo has meant that I’ve been a little quieter than I would like to be.  I’m hoping that a good night’s sleep will do the trick.  Thankfully, I have tomorrow off as well so I have one more day to get this all under control before heading out into the world.

So it’s a start – it’s going on 8:00 and I still have 12 points yet to eat… I have a least one, maybe two servings of the veggies remaining and each serving is 1 point – that will definitely be a good snack as I enjoy my Sunday night shows.

And a-Weigh we go!

First, I have to say, I’m overwhelmed by the number of folks who have reached out to offer their support and encouragement. Thank you so very much!!  It does help to know that so many are rooting for me as I embark on this journey. 

I’ve been crafting today’s post in my head for some time now. I’ve been thinking about how I would share the specifics of myself in a way that is honest yet hopefully minimally humiliating.  And now, for the main event – I weigh 195 pounds.  At 5’9”, that puts my BMI at 28.8 which is considered overweight.  A normal BMI is between 18.5 – 24.9.   At the end of this journey, my BMI will be around 22.

And now for some other stats: 

                Waist – 41 inches (ugh, this needs to be around 32)

                Hips – 48 ½ inches (also needs to drop)

                Bust – 39 ½ inches (will drop – no doubt, although I wish it wouldn’tJ)

                Arms – 13 inches (bicep measurements)

                Thighs – 28 ½ (just UGH!)

While I will be weighing myself every week – per the Weight Watchers program – I will only be taking measurements on the 1^st of each month.  Additionally, I will post an updated picture on the 1^st as well.  I hope that in these monthly increments, I will see differences. 

So for today's post, I am including a couple of shots....and please enjoy the humor added by my cat OZ who was very upset that we shut the bedroom door for a few moments to serve as a blank backdrop - the glow of his eyes is a direct reflection of his anger.

 

The Why

On April 23, 2004 my world changed.  This is the day that my dear dad, Wayne Hartmann, passed away after a 10 year battle with prostate cancer.  The first year, following his passing, was one of the hardest of my life – trying to figure out how to live again with this giant void.  And for a few years, I thought that I was doing okay but I still felt that something was holding me back from fully living my life.

About two years ago I was finally able to articulate what I was feeling; I feel/felt that on April 23, 2004 I hit the “pause” button on my life.  Sure I’ve lived since losing dad but I feel as though I haven’t moved forward – rather I’m just going through the motions.

I’m certainly not trying to use my dad’s death as an excuse for my lack of forward momentum in life.  And I’m certainly functioning quite well – sure there are days that I wish like all hell that things were different but I’m tired of saying, well if dad hadn’t died, I bet I would be married with kids by now.  Dad did die and I can’t change that – yet I’ve allowed myself to just stand still and let life happen to me.  So I guess maybe in a way I have used it as an excuse but not in the sense that I’ve deliberately done it.  Rather, I guess I just got stuck on pause.

Part of this understanding allowed me to start the moving forward process last year.  Last year I grabbed the bull by the horns and made finding a healthy relationship a priority.  I re-joined match.com (I signed up years ago but obviously wasn’t ready for someone healthy in my life) in early 2010 and in April I met my boyfriend Chad.  He is truly a remarkable person and I can honestly say I’ve never been happier in a relationship. 

Chad is definitely the yin to my yang but for some reason (and perhaps only God knows), it works.  With others, some of his characteristics would drive me crazy – I’m a planner and until Christmas, this guy didn’t even own a calendar (thanks Mom!).  He’s very type B to my sometimes over the top type A.  But we work – and I hope I’m not jinxing myself by writing about him.

In my adult life I’ve had my own version of the Bermuda Triangle.  I have focused on three main things – work/career, financial, and romantic relationships.  In all of my life – until now – these three things would not work in harmony together.  It seemed like it was always two out of the three would be working but never all three.  Now, at the age of 36 ½ I can happily say they are working in concert together.

But I realize that my triangle should really have always been a square – I have been missing a major component: love of self.   Yes, I love myself and this isn’t a blog about my lack of love but I realize that I do really neglect myself. Perhaps that is a typical characteristic of women but as 2010 comes to a close, this neglect of myself has allowed me to put on an additional 50 pounds.

2011 is all about me and the journey to take care of me (in addition to everything else I love).  Thus the birth of this blog.  Writing has always been a major component of my life but as I look back over the last 6  ½ years since losing dad, I realize that I’ve stopped writing. I wrote a lot during the first two years after but in the subsequent years, I haven’t done as much as I probably should.

Writing will help me purge some feelings and thoughts from my head – and as an over-thinker, the ability to get rid of extra thoughts is a blessing.  Publishing this to a blog will keep me accountable. 

So I’m pushing play on my life and I’m going to move forward and not just let life happen to me (or my body) anymore.

Starting January 1^st and every month thereafter, I will be posting a picture of my progress.  I’m going to be rejoining weight watchers as I’ve had success in the past with the program (when I followed it).  I’m going to keep a food journal and use this blog as a way to work through the tough times as well as celebrate the milestones.

 I’m scared and excited all at the same time but I’m determined to PUSH PLAY.